Complains

So my previous draft just got deleted, just perfect!
So I guess it is not meant to be posted then..

Yes, like the title, i am full of complains now.
I don't want to start work in the law firm, 9-6 all day everyday, it sucks.
I don't really want to go out just to have meals with people.
I don't really want to plan an overseas trip with so much invisible pressure.
I hate my cgpa. I hate my weight. I hate my skin.

yes, so I am generally not very happy w life now, people need to stop pissing me off.
(who am i kidding, i will never be happy with life.)


fantasies, fictions, they are just the perfect escape for me from this reality.

feeling rather disorientated, i hate studying, i hate working, i really dk what to do w myself.
but life is such, and I am trying hard to accept what they call life and live like what life is supposed to be like. but no, this is not what i want, and i can never do what i want.

PS: yes people always tell you to do what you want to do what you want, be yourself. omg fuck them all, smlj seriously. biggest lie. yeah right, do what you like, can i sleep all day and get paid? NO. can the cleaner of the void deck just quite the job? NO. can the construction worker just get on a plane back to his hometown? NO. we can't even say what we want, let alone do what we want. (Miley Cyrus' "We Can't Stop" is just all wrong) Nothing is ever going to seem right to me, cuz even my thinking is wrong isn't it? :(

What to do when you don't know what to do

“He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.” 

-Chinese Proverb

Here’s the thing: I don’t know what to do.

About this thing, about that thing. About big things and small things.

About anything.

Actually, to be honest, even the smallest thing seems big when I don’t know what to do about it. The state of “not knowing what to do” is like some kind of Miracle Grow for small things in my mind.

This is not a new thing. Not knowing what to do is a particular and well-honed talent of mine. I can even juggle several not knowing what-to-dos at once.

For example, at the moment I don’t know whether to go away with my friends this weekend or not. And if I do will I take the train? Or get a lift?

I don’t know whether to take that new job. And if I do, when should I start it? What about all those other job offers that will flood through the door the minute I say yes to this one?

I don’t know whether to start the diet tomorrow. Or today. Or next week. Or not at all. I don’t know whether to call my counselor or ride this one out alone.

I don’t know what is best, what is right. I don’t know what I want to do.

Do you know what else I don’t know? I don’t know what to do about not knowing what to do.

And whenever I feel like this (which is not always, but often), I start not knowing what to do about things Idid know what to do about before. Things I had already made decisions on, things I felt excited and sure about before, now feel wobbly and wrong. Even though I know the decisions felt right when I made them.

My brain starts questioning it all: What if I didn’t really know what to do then either, and just decided on something that wasn’t really the right thing to do after all? What if it turns out to be “wrong”? What if I acted on impulse and didn’t think it all through properly?

It’s like I’m mourning all the other possible options that will never, ever happen now because I didn’t choose them.

The little voice in my head chides me: If you choose option a, then such and such might happen, which could lead to x and then that may mean y. Had I known in the beginning about y, maybe I wouldn’t have chosen that original thing. Or would I? How do I know? 

And this uncertainty, the worry, the anxiety, the not knowing, it isn’t picky. It doesn’t just stick to the thing I’m not sure about. It leaks. It seeps into everything else, so instead of feeling uncertain or anxious about one thing in particular, about one decision specifically, I feel anxious, uncertain, and worried full stop. I forget what started it. I just feel it.

I feel it in my chest, near my heart. In my throat. It feels like guilt, muddled with regret, with overtones of panic and an undercurrent of fear. It feels hard and cold, like a vice-like grip.

And I don’t like it. But I just don’t know what to do about it. So I do nothing. Except worry and be anxious that doing nothing is not the right thing to do. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and it’s totally and utterly unproductive.

And the only thing that makes it stop? Is to just decide and do something. To just do anything.

And the only way to know what to do? Well actually, there is no answer to that one.

Other than to not worry about worrying. To not feel anxious about feeling anxious. To accept that there is no right answer.

To breathe. To try to feel beyond the worry, to try to feel the answer rather than (over) think it.

To stop trying to second-guess every possible outcome of every possible decision. To stop trying to control and account for every accountability. It just isn’t possible.

To trust.

I can’t know what will happen. I can’t know how I will feel about any of it. I can’t know whether the decision I make is any better or worse than any other decision I could have made because I am only ever going to experience the one path I do choose.

So I can only react with what I have, what I know, and how I feel, right here and right now. And I don’t need to know how to do that; I just need to do it. I just need to allow it to happen.

Back to my decisions. Well, I still don’t know what to do. I still don’t know what the “right” thing is.

But maybe that’s not so much of a problem after all.

Because I do know what the wrong thing is. And that’s to make no decision at all. Even if the decision I make is not to decide just yet—that is still a decision. Own it.

A friend once said to me, “Whenever the time is right, it will be the right time.” It helps me relax about my decisions.

I often wonder: Am I the only one like this? I don’t know that either, but if you’re with me:

Stop thinking it through. Stop making up what might happen. Because that’s what’s happening here, you’re just making it up. Just make the decision instead and enjoy the ride. Whatever it turns out to be, it doesn’t really matter—you can change it later if you really have to.

Whatever the decision is, just make it. What’s the worst that can happen, really?

Just make the decision and then be glad you did. Enjoy the freedom and the relief that follows.

Enjoy the present, indecision free. Because while you’re busy worrying about what might happen tomorrow, guess what? You’re missing out on all the great stuff happening today.

So just decide. Just relax.

Want to know the good news? The decision thing is just as leaky as the indecision thing.

Once I get going again, I know there’ll be no stopping me. I’ll breeze through decisions that floored me before. I’ll put those small things back in their place. And if it feels wrong, I’ll change it. I won’t worry about it. Things that felt a bit wrong and weird before just won’t matter anymore.

I won’t know where this whole confident, decision making thing came from. I’ll just feel it.

I’ll feel it in my chest, near my heart. It will feel like contentment, embracing joy, tickled with peace and flavored with lightness. It will feel soft and warm, like molten honey trickling through my veins. It will make me smile.

And I will love it. And I will do all I can to hold on to it.

That I do know.

So let’s just get started. Let’s just relax. Let’s just decide. And let’s never look back. (:

Credits: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-to-do-when-you-dont-know-what-to-do/

Note: An article I grabbed online. Meaningful. 

Bintan 2014

So the finals have ended, and I have unofficially graduated from TP! (So happpyyy!!!)
January and February had been HELL for me. Never ending projects, tests and studying!
I really hope my hardwork does not go into the drain.
And yes, finally it is the time toooooo nuaaaaaa (: I am not really emotional and all because I still want to go to university and I guess everything will start all over again so yeah, I am just really glad that I made it through and I finished the 3 years rather peacefully.

11032014 to 13032014
A mini 3d2n relaxing well-deserved graduation trip with the girls that accompany me throughout my 3 years in poly (except Christine :< )

I cannot say that this trip is a success because......
1) Things in the resort are EXPENSIVEEEE
2) It's monsoon season :(
3) The market outside is scary

Oh and also, my 3 girls got seasick..... I truly feel sorry for them......
However, with my lovely girls, I am truly happy for the past 2-3 days in Bintan!!! :)
Tons of thanks to QH who generously let us use his SAFRA privileges!

So all we did over there was to sleeeeeeeeeeep, eat, beach and swim! <3
(Yes we have afternoon naps every single day without fail)
And I truly enjoy lying on the soft sand of Bintan, the ocean is really a beauty! <3

Sooo... pictures speaks a thousand words... (I am too lazy to edit the photos :< )

A note to my favourite girls (including Chris):

These girls have been treating me like a princess for the past 3 years, buying snacks in between breaks for me, studying, motivating me to never give up. Although I am an asshole sometimes (alright most of the times) and sometimes when I am too lame/desperate, they will still be there for me even though they give me the death stare! This trip is awesome and I especially love the moments when they are cooking in the villa!! (Partly because I have no idea how to cook and I think that they are so skillful and talented heheh) So yeap, they are plain amazing!! Even if time and the cruel society makes us drift away from one another, I hope that we will remember the times we spend together as bimbo princesses that bitch around doing silly things like burry-ing G in the sands, making fun of Nixin LOONGGGG sleeping hours, and giving never ending compliments to XX's long hands and legs :D (and when they badmouth Christine behind her back orh hor horrrrrr, kidding chris, they xoxo youuuu)